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Jun's Speech

작성자 : ohj***   ·   2017-05-19

My champion and my dream
삼선중 1학년 6반 26번 현준원

Ladies and gentlemen,
Do you have your own champion in your mind? Who is your champion in your life? I have the wonderful champion in my heart. My champion is Roh Moo Hyun who was the president of Korea. And he affected my life and I started to have a dream to be a president in the future.
When I was 5th grade in the elementary school, I watched a movie “Lawyer”. It is about Roh Moon Hyun’s life. I was so impressed with his thinking that he always helped the poor and the powerless. After this movie, I investigated him more and found that he was very poor, but he wanted to help poor and powerless people like him.
Last week, we had a new president Moon Jae In who is Roh Moo Hyun’s best friend. I was so proud that he becomes a president for new government. I think that this year presidential election was started from a candlelight rally. The candle enlightens the world by melting itself. I want to be a president in the future who helps the people by sacrificing me like the burning candle.
Thank you for listening.
(I edited^^)

답변

Ladies and gentlemen,
Do you have your own champion in your mind? Who is your champion in your life? I have the wonderful champion in my heart. His name is Roh Moo Hyun who was the president of Korea. And He affected my life and I started to have a dream to be a president in the future.
When I was 5th grade in the elementary school, I watched a movie titled "Lawyer". It is about Roh Moon Hyun's life. I was so impressed with the way he thinks and he always helped the poor and the powerless people. After watching this movie, I researched more about him and I found out that he was very poor but he wanted to help poor and powerless people like him.
Last week, we had a new president whose name is Moon Jae In whom Roh Moo Hyun's best friend. I was so proud that he becomes a president for a new government. I think that this year presidential election was started because of the candlelight rally. The candle enlightens the world by melting itself. I want to be a president in the future who helps the people by sacrificing myself like the burning candle.

Thank you for listening.

Be mindful of:

*Usage of word

*Articles

*Redundant word (if you already used one word try to think of another synonym of it)

*Relative pronoun

¡¡

Hi! Jun. Your speech is very captivating. :O But consider the corrections I gave. I know that you will be a great president of Korea in the future. Good luck with your speech, Fighting! :)

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